So my patch download finally finished this morning after three whole fucking days and 21gig. Is that right, 21gig? Vanilla WoW was only about 6gig. What is on this patch anyway? Probably the whole expansion, so don’t bother ordering it on Amazon, just download it direct from Blizzard on release, (all 453.12KB of it). I didn’t do any homework on this patch before logging in this evening for the first time. I thought that I would look at it from the perspective of a noob player who logs on and finds that everything is fucked but he’s been given a little bit of gold for his old Burning Crusade badges that have been sitting in his toolbox for a very long time.

So what did this noob see first? Well, I saw a pretty damn horrible tabard in a lovely shade of pink and red that apparently I don’t have equipped but I’m wearing it. It clashes terribly with my hair. The next thing I noticed was that I had been kicked out of the guild for inactivity by Gevlon … oh no, wait, there’s a seperate guild button now, how neat. And it’s all shiny and new! That’s where those 21gig went to! Then I saw my talents, or lack of them. So what do I do here? I obviously had no idea, so I went off to a trainer and learnt some new stuff. Mastery, can anyone tell this noob what this is? How do I increase it? Can I increase it? I just don’t know, cause I’m a noob. You have to spend 31 points in your main talent tree, (which is combat for me), and it only has about 35 or so, so it’s more about what points you leave out than what you put in. The first ones to hit the cutting room floor for me were the 2 points in Improved Recuperate. I really doubt that I will ever use this ability in a raid situation, as it requires you to use combo points to activate it, and any self respecting combat raiding rogue will poo-poo that idea right away. My job is to do damage, not waste points on healing myself, that’s what priests are for, right? I’m serious here by the way. There are plenty of ways that a good combat rogue can keep themselves alive without having to resort to using your valuable combat points, which will kill your dps. No thank you.

Improved kick and reinforced leather I left out as well, along with blade twisting, improved gouge, and throwing specialization. That left me 5 points to use in the other two trees, oh goody! Oh fuck, more like it. At about this time it dawned on me that this was a chore. This is not fun. I resent having to do all this again. Why am I being made to relearn the wheel? Can’t you just make the morons learn it in the first place?? No, you have to make us learn it again. Okay, then I’ll just throw these 5 points in any old thing. 3 in relentless strikes and the other 2 in leathality. Is that any good? Am I uber now?

Nope, I still have to look at my glyphs, cause there are major ones and prime ones and oh god please shoot me now I can’t take this anymore. Okay, I’ll take improved sinister strike cause that is what a combat rogue is, and I’ll take killing spree and … and … oh fuck it, I’ll just have to look it up, won’t I. Then I made the mistake of looking at my gems. Oh Christ, do I have to redo all this as well? Abd there is a thing called reforging, what’s that? What’s the hit cap now, is it the same? And expertise is that … is that … oh-please-help-me-mother-of-god …

I know, I know. I’ll go have a shot on a target dummy and see if my DPS has improved. Yeah, awesome, that will make me feel better, you know, have some FUN for a change playing a GAME …

Except … I have no DPS meter anymore as the addon is broken …

Fuck.

And then it dawned on me. Cataclysm is being released in 6 weeks. And then we’ll be levelling and I can learn this stuff while playing the game. What reason is there for me to do it all now? There is none. I am going to regem and do all this stuff just to go and run Icecrown? I’d rather masturbate with a cheese-grator.

But one thing is for sure. As a player that used to take great pride in knowing as much as he could, I somehow don’t give a shit anymore. Blizzard has turned me into an actual noob. I am a noob. All I have to do is start typing, lolz gives me hlzs moron and the rot will have finally set in.