It’s been a good long while since Civ V was released, as well as a bunch of patches to try and fix some of the terribad problems that the game had on its release. So I’ve gone back to playing it as I’m STILL waiting for a decent internet connection to get my MMO fix. After quite a few hours of game-play I thought that I’d share with you all what I truly hate about this abomination to the glorious Civilzation franchise. Lets start from the beginning, literally:

The opening video intro thing:

The opening video is lush in graphics and visual and audio effects and low in making any sense whatsoever. So you start off with some old fart in a smoky tent, and then he tells you that you’re going to be a Viking, no no wait, you’re going to be an Egyptian, oh crap sorry you’re actually going to be a Turk, ha ha we fooled you, you’re actually going to be Japanese …

The worst thing about this? It’s also the loading screen so you have to sit through it every single fucking time you go to play the game. The trick is to sit at your computer with your left hand mashing the ESC button to death and your right hand hitting every mouse clicker that you’ve got. Sometimes it breaks before you get to the Viking bit, usually you’re left sitting there waiting for the pain to end. Shoot me now.

The Time between Turns:

I worked out that on an average game played to its full term you will spend over two hours of your life sitting there waiting for the computer to finish its turn. I have a brand new top of the range computer that does everything from darn my socks to jerk off the dog at the speed of fucking light, so there is no excuse for this miserable use of resources. Whoever wrote this code should be made to play Final Fantasy 14 for the rest of their miserable life. It might be okay if the AI was any good at strategy but, well this leads me on to my next point …

The AI “Strategy”:

It doesn’t exist. If the AI suddenly declares war on you and you have a miserable 5 units to its 50, you will still win. Every time. It will march its armies up to within range of your cities, (helpful tip: placing your cities within three hexes of each other gives you interlocking fields of fire that is just about impossible to get through in one piece), where you can casually blow them to pieces with whatever it is that you’ve got. Even more funny is when they sail an expensive unit to within range of your cities. I have never lost a city to the AI, never ever ever and I am at war a lot because …

The Diplomacy System is a load of Shit:

You would think after five shots at the titles that the makers of this game would make some small effort at diplomacy. Put it this way, if you never attack another Civ and only defend yourself against attacks you will be labelled a warmonger. That’s nice, isn’t it. The thing I really hate about diplomacy is that every now and then the AI will pop up with a screen showing a leader telling you how much they hate your guts. This serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever to the game. Oh look, hey Catherine is telling me how much she hates me again but hey, at least I get another look at her tits. You don’t get to trade maps or techs any more either, so all you can do is sell your luxuries for a huge stack of gold and then declare war on them so you get all the trade back, hahaha, that was well thought out of the designers, not.

Game Balance:

There isn’t any. If you want to win just play France. If you want to lose play America. All of the other civs are on one fence or the other. I suppose you could play some of the brand new civs like Korea but you can only do that if you give them more money. At least when drug dealers want you to get hooked on their product they give you some decent shit first before jacking up the price.

You have to pay road and rail upkeep now:

Really, it’s true. For every little square of road that you build they charge you a gold piece per turn, every single turn. This is beyond bizarre. This is a prime example of a rule that is not fun at all in any way. Why did they do this? Because they didn’t like the look of the other Civ titles with roads on every space available. So their reaction to a graphics problem is to make a major game changing play that punishes the player for wanting to like, actually link his cities up to trade. Please go and fuck yourselves. Oh and add upkeep costs for buildings to this as well. Why, for the love of Buddha, why?

Only one unit per tile:

This ludicrous rule means that if you play on a water map with islands and you get stuck on a small island then you are totally screwed due to the fact that you’re limited to one unit per hex. Try manoeuvring that lot around when an enemy attacks. Oh wait, they can’t even land because I have units in every single hex. Well, that was a pretty easy attack to defend against, wasn’t it. It is really quick to build things in this game as well. It’s nothing for an early city at the beginning of the game to knock out a top wonder in 16 turns. So how long does it take to knock out a warrior? About 6 turns. Well, think about it; they had to give us something to do as all strategy has been taken away from us and if they hadn’t put in these build decisions the game would only consist of you sitting there pressing the Enter button and waiting for 30 seconds. So low production costs and one unit per hex … yes, you’re right – it takes exactly three fifths of fuck all to fill up your entire map space with units. And they thought roads on every hex looked bad?? I suppose that this would be okay if the AI was good at strategy …

Yeah. Remember how earlier I said that the AI sucked at this? Well it’s doubly stupid at moving its own pieces around. The developers have been hiding behind the white lie that it’s very hard to get an AI to be good at this, but tactical simulation computer games have been around for quite a while and they’re quite a bit better than this miserable excuse for an opponent.

There is much more wrong with this game, (the happiness system can go and suck my cock), but this is all I’m good for right now. This game is an abomination. Avoid it at all costs. And pity me as it’s all I’ve got to play at the moment.