Whoever at Blizzard thought up the Childrens Week holiday is a goddam fucking genius whom I would love to sit down with and drink copious amounts of beverages whilst watching every Steve McQueen, Elliot Gould and Lee Marvin movie made between 1965 and 1976 as a bevy of nubile 24 year old female auto mechanics frolic in the background whilst playing naked twister with baby oil. Yes, I like whoever thought this up that much.

I like this holiday both for practical and philosophical reasons. Lets start with the philosophy first.

Think about it. You get your very own orphan to hang out with, whose parents were killed in a big war. Apparently we are all in a big war. And this kids parents were probably tortured and mutilated in horrible ways and, knowing the current expansion, then turned into yucky horrible undead things to shamble around whilst screaming, brrrrrraaaaaiiiinnnns. So your kid has issues. And what are you supposed to do with him? Why, drag him into battlegrounds so he can see you slaughtering people in horrible ways. Sure you can’t turn them into undead, but you can do just about anything else. The round table meeting at Bizzard must have been interesting on this one:

Dev1: Yeah, so anyway, what you’re saying is that they then have to take the orphan into battlegrounds and they have to kill a certain number of opponents and do stuff with the orphan watching the whole time. Are you fucking serious?

Dev2: Well, don’t forget we’ve just come off the love fool holiday, and that thing sucks balls …

[general murmers of agreement]

Dev2: … but they made us put it in to satisfy the pansies who think that videogames should be for everyone. So, if they want it for everyone then we need to cater for everyone, right? So we go from one holiday where you can easily convince your girlfriend and your grandmother to join in to the very next holiday where you can convince the really scary guy who punches pieces of glass into his nut sack to try out the game. But at the same time we’re disguising it so that the girls and pansies out there still think it’s a lovey-lovey holiday. So it’s effectively a win-win situation.

Dev3: Yeah, okay I get all that. But what happens when they find out?

Dev2: They won’t. People see what they want to see.

From a practical solution this holiday for me is the dogs bollocks, (which means it’s great). Now, don’t be under the mistaken assumptin that I’m actually going to do this holiday. I still think that all holiday events are vomit-inducing, even more so than my ex-girlfriend from grade 10. But this holiday gives the Alliance on Magtheridon a big boost. As some of you might know already from my posts, our battlegroup is awfully bad. It can’t get any worse. A lot of bloggers are moaning that this holiday event ruins battlegrounds, but ours can’t be ruined anymore than they already are. You can’t get any worse than a 3-0 loss in WSG, so an influx of PvE players with no idea what to do is just a normal day at the office for us. But the horde are having a rude shock. This could swing things, just for a week. We’ll only lose 1-0! And that’s so much better, right?

Barely has Noblegarden finished than Childrens week is upon us. This involves hardy adventurers showing poor orphans the sights of the world. Which means dragging little kids into places of death and making them watch. Awesome. The WoW site discribes the event as a chance for the heroes of the world to give something back to the victims of war, the orphans.

But lets just take a moment to think about this for a moment … [thinking face]

I will ponder only the Alliance side of this as I am unfamiliar with the Horde equivalent. Being an orphan means that your mummy and daddy have died. And being Warcraft we can suppose that they died in horrible ways. Who, perchance, could have been the horrible people to kill these poor orphans parents?

Well, probably you and me if we’re honest about it. Take a step outside Stormwind and the first things to kill are Defias Brotherhood members, all of whom happen to be human and around the age of having a couple of kids. I always like the way the women die, leaning over on their side while emitting a plaintive sigh. And she died just cause I was running through the area to get a copper node and couldn’t be bothered avoiding her. Or even better, I just got a tasty mace drop in Naxx but I’ve never leveled the weapon skill. So I go and practice using my weapon on poor defias lowbies to get quick skill-ups.

So you could take your orphan on a little murder tour.

“So, little Bobby, this is where I killed your mommy. She was in this field here, standing by this wagon over here …”
“Why was she standing next to the wagon?”
“I have no idea. Anyway, she was just there standing around … actually, come to think of it she was just walking back and forth over the same patch of ground with a bunch of other defias. And I was running through the area to get to the Deadmines you see, and as I ran past she said, ‘Ah-Ha!’, like really loud, bro. So I had to kill all of them, which I did. See, if you look here you can still see some blood, I think. If I remember correctly I got some wool cloth off her, which was cool as wool is worth heaps on the auction house right now.”
“But … did she say something when she died?”
“No, just the usual plaintive sigh. Anyway, moving over here, your dad was a mage, right?”
“I think so …”
“Worked for the Defias as well, yeah?”
“That’s what Uncle Bob said.”
“Oh yeah, Uncle Bob, yeah we’re getting to him. Anyway, I got your dad over here in this abandoned school in Moonbrook. He was fighting some other hero, a dwarf if I remember correctly. And your dad was doing really well, until I got him from behind. He dropped a magic ring too!”
“That was our family ring, we’ve been looking for it everywhere.”
“Oh, I disenchanted that, sorry. But I got a skill up from the mats!”
“Can we go back to Stormwind now?”
“But we’ve only just gotten started! We’ve got all your aunts and uncles to see yet.”
“Please, really, I’d just like to go home.”
“Well, okay. But go home and practice your sword-play and when you’re bigger maybe I’ll get to kill you as well! Just drop something decent, eh? Maybe a BoE recipe or something rare. There’s this cool cooking one that’s a pain in the butt to get. Could you do that for me, bro?”

To all the orphans of Stormwind. We made them, and we’ll get to cut them down when they come out to revenge their parents deaths at our bloody hands. But for now we can use them to get some more achievements! Woo.Hoo!

Tis the season for Noblegarden. Here’s me being honest with you – I don’t do holiday events. I don’t care about them, I think they’re dumb, and for me the azure proto-drake will be cause for laughing at someone for wasting so much time on a stupid enterprise. If you want to talk one of your male friends into playing WoW, whatever you do, don’t try and do this during Noblegarden week. Bunny rabbits, kissing girls in dresses, mating bunnies, finding eggs … need I say more? Although if you’re trying to talk your girlfriend into playing WoW, this would be the perfect time. For me, the only holiday event that has any coolness at all is the Brewfest week. Drinking beer! Ohla!

But I would partake in Noblegarden if it was cool. If it was risque. If it wasn’t a whole heap of lameness. Here’s some ideas to make Noblegarden awesome. Assume that these new achievements are in addition to those already set for this holiday event.

New Noblegarden Achievements.

1. Fuming Bride.

For this achievement you must smear a chocolate egg all over the lovely dress of a noblegarden bride whilst wearing a tuxedo. The dress will be ruined for 30 minutes and the player wearing the dress will not be able to un-equip it for that time.

2. Laughing Bride.

Wear a lovely wedding dress for 30 minutes without having some loser in a tuxedo smear chocolate all over it. In addition, if you manage during this time to smear chocolate over someone wearing a tuxedo, then all your stats will be buffed by 50 for one day. This effect stacks

3. We’re hunting rabbits.

Travel to the enemy factions level 5 areas and kill as many players in bunny form as you can within a 20 minute period. Number of rabbits killed awards different achievements.

10 enemy rabbits killed
20 enemy rabbits killed
50 enemy rabbits killed
100 enemy rabbits killed (awards title Elmer Fudd)

4. Killer rabbits.

A random buff from opening an egg. Changes you into what seems to be a harmless and defenseless bunny rabbit. In actual fact each of your stats have been boosted by 500. Turn on those enemy players scything through your rabbit friends and take revenge in horrible ways. Buff lasts 60 minutes.

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