I couldn’t win a battleground last night. I didn’t win one the night before, either. Last night we lost an Arathi Basin 1600 to 1580. That really hurt. It didn’t hurt as much as grandma getting her left tit caught in the mangle, but it was pretty bloody close. If I had tits I might well have gone and shoved them into a mangle after that loss, but I don’t, so I didn’t. Come to think of it, I don’t even know what a mangle is. I assume it is some sort of device which mangles things. I would like to mangle the whole of our battlegroup as it seems to be made up of players who either can’t speak English or don’t know how to read. How else do you explain what is going on? No wonder the horde are so well geared on our battlegroup – they must make 100,000 honor a night. They always win, so that is the only thing that I can assume is happening.

This is how a typical AB game plays out. After all of us buffing up everything to the max, and me or some other poor sap laying out a ‘plan’ that will only be followed by me and the other guy, we all run out the gate. I am usually the first to the stables so I cap the flag. So do at least 3 other players standing around me trying to cap it as well. Perhaps they thought that they could cap it faster than I can? That their capping bar would move at a quicker rate of knots? Anyway, I cap the flag and then I stealth while all the other players race off into the distance. They usually divide into two groups and pour into the Blacksmith and the Lumber Mill where they eventually all die in a titanic struggle. Where-in they have to rez back at the stable due to the fact that the horde managed to also cap the flag while the fight was going on. Back to me at the stable. I get a group of 4 horde come in and retake the stables from me. I stay stealthed. What the fuck am I going to do against 4 horde apart from alert them to my presence? I write in chat that I need help at the stables but that is not forthcoming unless some of our players happen to rez there at that moment, but often they’ll just ride right past the hordies who watch them with a somewhat bemused expression on their hordie faces. I presume that I have a bemused expression as well as I crouch in a bush.

Anyway, the horde at the stables get bored after a bit of this, so they piss off and I recap the flag. And then go back into stealth. Then we usually get one horde deciding to take it back on his own. I pace out his mount charge across the stable yard and then sap him just as he reaches the fence. Wouldn’t it be great if an effect of sapping someone riding on a mount was to catapult them off their mount straight into the ground to land in a dazed mess? That would be cool, Blizzard do that, thanks. So if he is a bad horde he uses his trinket to get out of the sap and then I have him unless he is a paladin. I really, really, really fucking hate fighting paladins. Is it fair that we have to kill them twice? I don’t think that it is. I think that this is unfair. Like third world hunger and world famines and earthquakes unfair. Right up there. Please eliminate this unfairness Blizzard, you will solve world hunger as a result. If he doesn’t trinket out of his sap then we play the resap game until the sap is only lasting 2 seconds and then I suppose I have to fight him but often by that stage one of my clueless team-mates will have ridden past and actually seen what was going on and might actually help me. They will inevitably be a healing class and we will kill the horde and then my healer buddy will ride off leaving me at 30% health or something. Thanks a lot, arsehole.

While all this has been going on and I have been keeping the stables blue for us as long as I can, the horde have been keeping the other four bases red so we lose. But all this gets me more honor and more gear to wear so I can play more battlegrounds! I must be a fucking masochist.