My main in TESO is now level 32 and the proud recipient of a full matching armor set from our dear guild leader. Not only do I look awesome, I look like I know what I’m doing. Every time I run through a major town someone invites me to a guild. I, of course say no. But in a polite way, as one must not obviously look down on the little people. Quite.

With this new gear I’m also a lot better at killing things. I have now completely changed my set-up. Before I was an assassin Nightblade wearing heavy armor with a sword and shield because I could. Because it looked cool. The problem was that I did about as much damage as a kitten on morphine. Now I’m wearing medium armor, I dual wield a dagger and an axe, and I primarily use my bow. I can kill most things before they even get close to me, and even if they do get close I have an ability that hurls them back a good distance when I use it. As an added bonus I get hurled back as well. It’s particularly good for bosses and the like.

Right now I’m questing in the Alik’r Desert. I really like it, a lot. It’s possibly the best desert zone I’ve ever seen in an MMO. It gives the impression of vastness, of sand stretching to infinity. In the distance a sheer cliff will shimmer in the heat haze while a dust devil whirls past you. Poetic, eh? But you can really believe that you could die of thirst out there. Or die of loneliness.

However, there is one thing that is missing from this scene. Star Wars, Return of the Jedi didn’t get many things right, but it hit the nail on the head with Princess Leia dressed in a metal bikini while lashed in chains in front of a giant slug. But so far I am yet to encounter a single desert slave girl. How is this possible? Where is Frank Frazetta when you need him? [dead, you imbecile – Ed]. What I wouldn’t give to come over a sandy rise to see a long line of near naked slaves lashed together by the neck and being led by some nasty and brutish slave owners. Why, what I’d do would be to charge straight up and buy a couple of the hottest girls I could see. Why haven’t you done this TESO? Why??

Don’t tell me the drooling feminist socialists have finally co-opted the gaming industry for their own awful political ends. At least there aren’t any statues to women who look like Zoe Quinn in TESO. Honestly, the thing I don’t understand about that drama is why five men would want to sleep with the ugly bitch. Come on guys in geekdom land, you can’t be that hard up, surely.

Anyway, I’m going back to sandy adventuring. If I find a slave girl I will buy her, treat her awfully and post a screen shot. The things I do for my readers.